Self-Love: The Other Love Language, Part 1
By Courtney Cheek, LCSW
As a clinician, over the last decade I’ve had countless numbers of clients frequent my office seeking help, validation, advice, support, or simply greater understanding. There’s one common theme that tends to ring true amongst them all, whether struggling with ADHD, Autism, Depression, Anxiety, or trauma – unmet needs. Most individuals seeking therapy are looking to seek a greater understanding of themselves, their problems, to fill a current void, or are in distress because there’s some sort of need they have yet to be filled. Those unmet needs often stem from past adverse experiences or trauma, and the void often illustrates itself as anxiety or depression simply because one is truly seeking a greater sense of security, validation, love and approval, or a sense of control over their lives or circumstances.
In these difficult current times, given the immense uncertainty, rapid change, and new found isolation present for many, unmet needs are higher than ever! It’s not uncommon for new mental and emotional struggles to appear, but even for old past traumas to resurface. In times where things feel overwhelming, under validated, and out of control, it’s important to acknowledge how normal, though uncomfortable those feelings truly are, and to hold compassion for those experiences too. Controlling the things one can control often brings a sense of regained balance and deescalates the overwhelm. How you approve, speak to, and the grace you extend yourself is something that is certainly within your control, though sometimes very difficult and even out of the norm. Holding increased self-compassion and practicing self-love is often something I find last on my client’s list of needs, therefore is the first stop in therapy! Many of us constantly share love, hold space, and support others, but rarely return the favor to ourselves. Many times, attending to other’s needs is a way to avoid our own, leaving our love tanks empty and resulting in feeling of vulnerability and emptiness. Self-love is truly the other love language many of us just simply fail to speak.
If loving yourself is one of your many unmet needs, I encourage you to practice that empathy for yourself and take small steps towards demonstrating kindness, love, and even holding space and time for yourself. Here are a few first steps I often use with clients to challenge one’s self and begin to providing just the small amount of love and compassion you not only so greatly deserve, but need!
MEDITATION
This practice helps one relax the body and focus on the present here and now. In such hurried lives, how often do we stop to breathe, focus on the moment, or simply slow ourselves?
Meditation can allow for a connection between one’s mind and body, or even a spiritual connection, if that’s what you’re desiring. It can lower stress levels and allow for many physiological benefits, such as improvement with insomnia, headaches, various diseases, and hypertension, just to name a few.
Here are the steps:
1. Turn down the lights and create a calm environment.
2. Focus on slow, steady deep breathing.
3. Notice your thoughts! Many will enter your space, invading your moment, yet dismiss them or take mental note, for later attendance, then shift the focus back to your breath and body.
4. Focus on what’s present in the moment… the music, the feel of calm, your cool fulfilling breathes, or the sensation in your body.
5. Meditation can be anywhere from 5 minutes or longer. You choose!
6. When ready, come back to the present and slowly acclimate to your surroundings.
7. Acknowledge the moments, the calm, the peace, the TIME you provided yourself both in love and compassion as credit for all the time and effort you dedicate to all you do elsewhere. You deserve that time!
Follow for more steps to come next month.
If you need assistance learning new coping strategies for anxiety, depression, and self-compassion, please reach out to me or other clinicians at North Metro Psychological Services here.